Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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