textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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