The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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