How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
