My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
