I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
