just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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