its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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