She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
