my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
