Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
