I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
