Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
