I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
