Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
