i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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