If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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