I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
