You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
