You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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