Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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