capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
