Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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