Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
