I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
