Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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