this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
