You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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