your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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