pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
