you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
