If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
