too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
