I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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