i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
