she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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