Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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