he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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