Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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