i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
