I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
