Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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