i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
