I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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