why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
