Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
