If i could tip my vagina, i would.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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