Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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