the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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