She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
