just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
