Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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