my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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