sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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