i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
