I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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