I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
