As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
