we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize