HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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