i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
