I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
